Today, a friend asked me for some advice on relationships.. I gave her my advice. And reading it again, I found it quite nice.. so here are some extracts of it...
There are many things that affect a relationship and sure, there will be many challenges that will surface, but it should not be the basis on how the relationship should nurture from.
I would think that my 5Cs are basic in any relationships. Yes, I conjured up these 5Cs as my guiding principles of maintaining a relationship. Of course, there are other things but if you have your foundation in these 5Cs, the other things can be easily managed with the 5Cs...
Communication
This is most important. Most relationships fail because of this. Communication is a two-way thingy... speaking & listening... many people HEAR,, but they don't listen... Listening and understanding is more important than speaking... for speaking, how the message is communicated across is also important... Respect for each other then becomes a good basis of managing good communication...
Commitment
This will determine how much a couple will go to resolve the problems that they will be faced with in life... Life is full of ups and downs... how much commitment each party has towards their relationship, will determine how far the relationship will go... couples that are committed to a relationship is likely to able to resolve differences better than couples that are not... With commitment, many issues can be (and will be) resolved...
Compromise
Life is about expectations... managing expectations is core to living a fulfilling life... a relationship is no different... Accepting the limitations and shortcomings of your partner is never easy... most people find it so easy to complain about the shortcomings of their partners but find it hard to compliment their partners on their positive attributes... one advise is to focus on the good side of things and not the bad... dwelling on the bad side of things will only bring ill-feelings, regrets, anger, resentment, etc... Thus, the core of compromising is forgiveness... the more couples are ready to forgive, the lesser will be their problems... be it money, personality, habits... ANYTHING...
Care & Concern
Showing care and concern may sound easy... but to do so in trying times or in times of crisis can be challenging. Usually care and concern becomes a burden when the going gets tough... its not about love anymore... its not about obligations... its not about right or wrong... its how much you are STILL willing to GIVE for the relationship that will really matter...
Chemistry & Connectivity
Love and affection are by-products of this... how much you feel for each other is dependent on how well you both are connected... be it intellectually, emotionally, physically, spiritually, whatever... every aspect of connectivity is important and lack of it in any aspect will lead to a flaw in your relationship.. and unless you have a way to deal with such flaws, your chemistry and connectivity will be compromised... chemistry and connectivity can be used very easily to cultivate bonding between couples... Thus, find time to be intimate... to pursue common goals and interests... to continue to develop those sparks that ignited this relationship...
I hope you would find this advice useful...
Cheers.
4 comments:
I totally agree with the 5 C's. Its very important and it takestwo hands to clap!
Hi Martin
Life is short! Sometimes the journey is bumpy; other time its challenges & trials.
Everything happens for a reason. It is no accident. I am glad you have survived the divorce. Perhaps you could be a beacon to show, guide, touch lives.
Imagine if you never tasted bitterness & failure would you know what is sweetness & success.
In the heavens it is said that good and bad co-exist side by side. In order to know what is good you must know what is bad.
Wise is a man who learn from the mistakes of people who have gone through pain & overcome it.
Blessed is a man who is is wiser after he overcame failure and that man is you.
Your spirit lives in your articles. Share and touched lives and enjoy your journey and live.
Cheers
Jamie
Martin,
Where do you work? I'd like arrange a session for you to save my marriage. My hubby doesn't have any of the things you mentioned here. He's totally "bo-chap". I've tried everyhing you mentioned but he simply don't care.
Please help.
Siew Ling.
Hi Siew Ling,
I'm not a marriage counsellor by profession. So if you're intending to seek professional help, I'm not a qualified candidate. You may get help from the following organizations:-
http://www.mcys.gov.sg
Here's what I would recommend:-
Communication:
In your email, you mentioned that you tried talking to him but he just "don't care"... Communication is (as I mentioned) a two-way thingy... when you said you "talked" to him, were you telling him to the point of annoying him or were you "communicating" and "listening" to what his views are?.. It is important to have him open out.. this can be a challenge if he is resistant to do so... it may be wise to find out what his reasons for resistance and use the "I understand" approach... let him feel that he can talk to you... don't be defensive and listen to him... otherwise, he'd feel pointless talking to you...
Commitment:
One way to foster commitment is to find reasons to make this marriage work.. Obviously from your email, you do not have a clue on how he feels. Sort that out first. Do it in a logical manner. Get him to tell you all the things that is bothering him, what he wants, what will it take to be happy and then work things out systematically thru compromise..
Compromise:
There will definitely be issues that are hard to compromise but there will always be a way to deal with it... this is not negotiating a business deal... this is about the two of you living a life together.. have him to understand that.. I always like to advaocate the "If you were me" technique to facilitate compromise...
I guess your biggest problem (judging from your email) is that you are dominating the "talks" that you have... when you do so, a "bo-chap" response is natural.. This is not necessarily a bad trait.. look at it more positively his nonchalant attitude is probably to avoid conflict.. now that's a good virtue.. exploit that and get him more involved and give him more room in your "talks" and see if it helps...
Good luck..
Post a Comment