Your Cheating Heart... (Part 1)

Hi Friends,

Lately, my mailbox & phone had been flooded with emails & calls from acquaintances, friends, cyber-pals and even strangers (thanks to those of you who forward my emails to your friends)... I have quite a fair bit of people here seeking advice on anything and everything... from how to shut down the annoying alarm of a screwed-up alarm system of a car, to how to deal with a partner struck with a terminal disease... I seem to be a convenient walking "know-all" directory service... heheh...

And don't worry, it is not that I mind being swamp with such requests.. just that I may take some time reverting because of work, family and such... In fact, I do enjoy being able to help... it feels good to see a friend walking away feeling good, happy or relieved... However, let me first qualify myself... While I love to offer advices based on my personal opinions and views (yes, they're strictly personal), I'm not a professional counselor nor am I a trained "whatever"... so, as much as my advice makes sense, please exercise your own judgment and discretion when interpreting my advices..

Well... today, I have another interesting message to share... someone asked me why do people cheat and how we should deal with it…

When I first attempted to answer this question, I thought it would be so easy (especially as a victim of cheating heart)... But as I go along with it, it took me 2 days and a lot of soul searching before I came out with this reply... My draft email was edited over and over again (in the quiet hours of the night) because as I wrote, I found that my conception of opinions is constantly being challenged within myself... so here it is... my final reply (Part 1)

People cheat for many reasons (or excuses)… we all know that… It is wrong to assume that they cheat because of sexual desires though most of the time, cheating leads to sex... Contrary to beliefs that men (or women) cheat because of sex, most actually started out cheating because of some other (and more valid) reasons. However, victims are more likely to disagree because:

1) They're in denial... or
2) They're too blinded by hurt (thus, whatever the reasons given become excuses)..

I think, the most common reason why people cheat is because they are not happy about their present relationships.. It may be anything from money, habits, feeling unappreciated from partners, personality conflicts, bad sex, whatever... No?... Think again.. If one is truly happy in a relationship, they won't have the time nor energy to even think about cheating.. They will be so eager to rush home after work.. looking forward to see their partners.. and so on.. (remember the courtship or honeymoon period of your relationship)...

However, when one starts to feels unappreciated, unloved, etc., they have a tendency to look for comfort somewhere else. And when they chance upon an opportunity, they cheat.

To prevent this from happening, do not let these ill-feelings build up within you. Nip the problem at the bud... the longer you withhold these ill-feelings, the harder it will be for the couple to try to resolve it. If you are unhappy about your relationship, let it be known (of course, in a very leveled, diplomatic and open-communicated way)... A couple must learn how to communicate to each other and be committed to resolve whatever problems that they have through compromising each other's need (remember my 5C's)...

Another common reason to cheat is vengeance. This can be because your partner had previous cheated on you or even because you are merely suspecting that your partner is cheating. The latter is especially true when you become obsessed with your self-suspicions that your partner is cheating on you. Our human minds are capable of planting illusions and accelerate reasoning beyond our comprehension. You can make your own suspicions so real in your imaginations, can't you? Thus, instead on confronting your suspicions in a constructive manner, many choose to retaliate by cheating and justifying it with vengeance.

Again, if you haven't forgiven your partner whom had previously cheated, do so now. If you have doubts, clear them. By withholding such bitterness or resentment, it is a time-bomb waiting to explode. Don't hide it. Make it known to your partner, how it is affecting you and get all the reassurance that you need from him/her to see you through this relationship. You have to try to reconcile with this. If you can't, get out of the relationship rather than cheating on it.. At least, your relationship would have ended because of the real reason rather that one of you cheating.

Next.. curiosity. If your relationship is very mundane and if you are one person that is very adventurous and curious, you will cheat. You'd be surprised how many couples do not communicate their needs to each other. Why? How the hell would I know? Well, I guess it's probably because they feel ashamed of having such thoughts or perhaps, they are apprehensive about how their partners may look at it. But come on guys… you are a couple... would you rather have him/her communicating their fantasies to another person? Maintain a very open relationship. Encourage each other to share their inner curiosities with each other. I mean, you can always get your appetite from outside... but you can always make it a habit to "eat home" every time...

Then we have greed. Greed can come in many forms.. physical, sexual, emotional, financial, intellectual, psychological, etc.. Many would think that greed can never be satisfied. True in many ways but it is not something that cannot be managed. Again, couples must have an open communication channel to discuss this so that they can work together on how both can overcome this.

Finally, to stop your partner (or yourself) from cheating, you need to work at it from two angles. First, rid out the possible causes (like jealousy, anger, resentment, bitterness, low-esteem, etc) thru communication.. and then, reinforce your relationship with compromise & commitment.

As the saying goes, "prevention is better than cure"… Getting rid of possible causes will be half the battle won... and this can be achieved through open communications. Remember, you are a couple. There's nothing that you can't talk to each other about. You just need respect, love, willingness to listen, and all the other essential ingredients needed for good communications. The more you talk about your needs, desires, problems, etc.. the more you can work to resolve the issues at hand... the more you will be able to strengthen that bonding between the two of you.

To seal it off... unless you are not willing to be committed to a relationship, one will always find a way to stay committed to a relationship despite all odds... Staying faithful isn't that difficult afterall... You just have to imagine the hurt you will be causing to your partners (both spouse & lover) and consequences of innocent lives (like children)... and I'm sure you'd find a way...

I'd leave you with a song that I hope will motivate those contemplating on cheating... Listen to its lyrics carefully... that was the song that kept me hanging on to try to save my previous marriage...

Daddy Don't You Walk So Fast

Cheers

Martin



PS:

I will touch on Part 2 (Cheated… how to deal with it) after I give some thoughts to it… Patient, ok? Look out for my next issue, ok.. Heheh…