Your Cheating Heart... (Part 2)

Hi Friends,
First let me apologize for the delay in coming up with Part 2 of “Your Cheating Heart”… I had been really busy.. I finally found some time to finish this “thesis” (heheh)… So, here it is…

1. Where do we go from here?
Life is about choices… so what happens when you have cheated on your partner or vice versa? Well, there are a few things that can happen…

a) Break up…
b) Launch of counter-attacks…
c) Accommodating affair…
d) Ending the affair & making up...

The toughest part is deciding what to do. This is because there are a lot of emotions and considerations involved at both ends. But most of all, it is not just your decision that we have to deal with here. It is the decision of all the 3 of you that we have to deal with. So, how the 3 of you intend to move on from here is really a very complex puzzle to unravel because most of the times, your decisions don’t match… In fact, they are likely to conflict…

2. So how should you deal with this?
Before I attempt to address this, let’s take a look at what goes through the minds of each party when there’s infidelity in a relationship. Let us list them down here and take a good look at it. For those of you reading this and if you’re in a predicament like this, do this with me as well by listing anything else that I’ve missed… This exercise will help…

For the victim,
- they’d feel hurt…
- they’d feel angry…
- they start to blame (either themselves, the third party or their partners)
- they continue to condemn (either themselves, the 3rd party or their partners)
- they start to form their own perspectives…
- the final showdown (whatever the course of actions that they decided upon)…
- they’d go on to defend they decisions aggressively and bitterly…

For the errant partner,
- they know it is showdown
- they either feel guilty… caught in a dilemma… or they had already anticipated this…
- if they’re guilty, they will likely try to salvage the relationship with no progress…
- if they’re caught in a dilemma, good luck… you need more than Asprins for this…
- if they’ve already anticipated this day, they already know what to do…
- then they’d either initiate their decision or try to respond to the decision of their partners..
- they’d try to defend & contain the damage by trying to justify their errant act…
- they’d either give in or contest aggressively and bitterly for what they want (whatever they may be)…

For the third-party (surprised that I even mentioned this? Well, their involvement in the equation is always forgotten or ignored.. but their feelings, actions, etc. in fact, contributes a lot to the saga.. we can’t ignore it)…
- they’re either glad that it’s finally exposed… or they’re scared… or they’re guilty/ashamed… or they get ready to battle for what they want…
- their course of actions hereafter is either to let the affair end… or to get caught in their own indecisiveness… or to pursue what they want…

3. Dealing with it.
Now… looking at all the possible outcomes (in Para 1) and all that’s mentioned (in Para 2), here’s what I’d recommend each party to do… (erm… are you still holding that piece of paper to continue with this exercise?)… heh…

OK… first, understand what you’re going through (whether you’re the victim, the errant partner or the third party). Dealing with the trauma of confrontation, anger, hurt, resentment, guilt, etc. is more than what we can handle. It is so easy to be drawn by your emotions to react in a manner that will be against everybody’s interest (including yourself). Blinded by emotions, your capacity to make a sound decision is impaired. Believe it or not, most people who’ve walked away from a failed infidel relationship often regret the way they executed their choices of decisions. For some, they may have moved on.. but for some, there was never a closure. Therefore, understanding what you’re going through will help you see the path before you a little more clearly. List down what you’re feeling so that you can identify them. (go on.. what are you waiting for?)

Next, don’t rush into deciding what you want to do. Explore your options, its cause & effects, its consequences, implications, etc. Many couples fight bitter divorces just for the sake of fighting. They want “justice” (in other words, they want “revenge” or they think the other party’s demands are way unreasonable). A good example is the fight for the custody of children. How many divorced parents, do you think, actually fight for the custody of their children in the best interests of their children? How many estrange couples actually sit down to discuss their options and decide upon one that’s best for everyone? More often than not, it is their individual’s interests (or perceived interests) that is motivating the fight for the custody. This is why no couples had ever walked away from the court feeling happy about what the courts ordered (even if they won custody). This is simply because they will NEVER get what they’re fighting for, absolutely.

While, logically, these all sound very easy to comprehend, it is very emotionally driven and many are blinded by emotions when caught in the trauma of dealing with infidelity (be it for the victim or the errant partner and not forgetting the constant catalyst of the third party) in deciding what needs to be done. So, start listing down your options, its cause & effects, consequences, implications, etc. and start looking at them logically rather than emotionally. Use the matrix below to help you:-

Partner’s Response	I want to Break Up	I want to Get Even	I want to Make Up	etc	etc
Agree	List all the best & worst scenarios	List all the best & worst scenarios	List all the best & worst scenarios	List all the best & worst scenarios	List all the best & worst scenarios
Disagree	List all the best & worst scenarios	List all the best & worst scenarios	List all the best & worst scenarios	List all the best & worst scenarios	List all the best & worst scenarios

Here’s what you do:
a) Draw up a matrix like the one above.
b) On the left column place how your partner will respond to the various options of your decision to deal with the affair (either agree or disagree).
c) On the top of rest of the other columns, list what you want to do or how you want to deal with the affair.
d) Within each cell, list all the considerations fulfilled, the best scenarios and worst scenarios.
e) Use a highlighter to single out all the “worst” scenarios within the cells
f) Take a look at the matrix now… look at your options again… look at all the worst scenarios highlighted and identify which are the ones that you want to avoid…
g) Your choice will be obvious…

To view how to use the matrix here, watch the video below.. the context may be different but the theory is the same..



If you had surpassed the first two stages (logically not emotionally), you’re pretty much ok. You should by then be capable of making sound decisions in the interest of everyone. Thus, the next stage is the healing process (which I’d talk more about it in the next point).

4. The Healing Process
Believe it or not, whatever your decisions may be (i.e. to break up, getting even, accommodating the affair, ending the affair, etc), getting over it is not as easy as you may think it might be…

To effectively heal, you’ve got to first acknowledge that the affair has happened. There is nothing that you can do to reverse that. Come to terms with it. Don’t be in denial. Only then would you be able to identify the emotions that you are experiencing. Only then would you be able to start the healing process. If the hurt (self-pity), the bitterness, the anger, the resentment, etc is still there, you can’t heal… you simply cannot heal if that thorn is still stuck in your flesh… pull out that thorn and let the healing start.

Next, make an agreement. Agree on how all of you will move ahead from here. STOP all the blaming and STOP making excuses for yourself. Stick to the things that you agree on. You can’t move on unless you can wrap up and discard all those issues that are history. You can't fit new clothes in your wardrobe without throwing out all the old ones. If you’ve decided to end the affair, stop meeting your lover. If you have decided to forgive him, wash any thought of the affair from your memory. If you guys had decided to split, stop feeling sour over the failed relationship. Whatever you do, DON’T RE-VISIT the issue all over again and bring back all the hurt, anger, etc.

You have to be conscious on how you want to move on constantly. In other words, you must be willing to heal. It is very easy to slip back into self-pity, bitterness, etc. even AFTER coming to terms with it. Therefore, you need to be conscious that you WANT to snap out of this and HEAL. Make a list of what you can do to help you move on. For example, start dating someone new (if you decided to end the relationship).. start dating your partner again (if you’ve decided to give it another shot).. The list can consist of many things that you can do. You don’t have to do all of them, but you should use that to make you conscious of your quest (i.e. to move on).

Having a list is not good enough… the execution effort is important… people always say, “talk is cheap.. show me your actions”. The same applies here. You’ve dealt with the problem. Now, deal with the healing. You can have lots of people around you nudging you on… giving you advices… but ultimately, it is YOU who can help yourself to heal. You must want to heal and more importantly, you must make that effort to heal.

Best wishes.
Martin