Just When You Thought Nobody Cares..

The past few months had been really tough.

On the work front, news of people that had been working with me closely leaving the company is slowly becoming a reality. It is uncertain if their replacements are forthcoming due to re-structuring measures adopted by the company. The thought of doubling or tripling my existing workload is fast becoming a reality as well. Pressures and anxieties are mounting day by day. To the point that even I, who's known for being the Bu Dao Weng (不倒翁 - a tumbler; a roly-poly toy that uprights itself when pushed over), is beginning to find difficulty motivating myself to push on. Imagine, it has come to a point that when I close a sale, I don't know if I should be jubilant or depressed.

On the family front, the situation is worse. Dad and mom had been taking turns to check-in for their "vacations" at the Singapore General Hospital. Dad's condition is bad. The wound on his leg is not healing and just the day before yesterday, we got news that his toe needs to be amputated. At 82, and along with the long strings of other diabetic & cardio illnesses attached, this amputation is a rather complicated one.

Apart from the expected after-surgery and recovery-care expenses (as the surgery expenses is likely taken care of via Medisave), the potential stress of coping with the emotional and physical aftermath of the surgery is sinking in and hard to dismiss. Money, we can try to raise and find a means to get around. But emotional & physical aftermath is most challenging (especially mom). Though dad seems resigned to his fate, we all know deep within how he really feels. My dad may be a strong man (he's my master of the Bu Dao Weng heritage), but he's only human to feel fear, pain and anxieties. It is not difficult to empathize what he's going through.

The kids are also down with a bad flu and caring for them (especially the little one) is one big challenge. Me being also down with flu didn't make it any easier.

Each day, I struggle through hell and back. Physically, I begin to feel the effects of aging and I realized that at 47 (soon), I cannot be running at the pace as I did when I was in my prime. Mentally, the uncertainties and hardship at work and family is not something one can call trivial. Emotionally, I had to brace myself together and keep myself motivated to maintain morale, confidence and strength for the people around me that may be looking up to me for support.

Last night, I came home from a long day at work. We had an event to capture for webcast. I was up at 6am before the sunrise and didn't get home till past 10pm (way past sun set). I missed my dinner and I was darn hungry. I was too tired to neither cook nor walk to buy food. So I just scavenge for snacks to gobble down hurriedly. I just want to hit the showers and get to bed.

When I finally hit the sheets, I realized Isaiah crying in the dark. I went over to ask him what's wrong. He gave me a big hug and said, "Daddy, I love you."

"I love you too son, but why are you crying?", I replied.

It was then that he looked at me in the eye and I realized that he didn't know how to tell me that it pains him to see me having to drag myself to work such long hours despite being sick and didn't even have a decent dinner because I'm too tired. When I get him to acknowledge it he cried even more.

Tears filled my eyes. They were tears of mixed emotions. Tears of pain because I know how much I had neglected him lately. Tears of joy because I feel appreciated (especially in times like this).

He reminded me of Iggi when he was 5 yrs old where I went down in life in 2002 (which I swear were my darkest moments of my life.. My life was literally torn apart then). How Iggi had stood by me then and he comforted me with his innocence and sensible ways. He was my reason to push myself on.. to get me where I am today.

And today, just as life's roller-coaster took a down-swing.. just when I thought nobody cares about what I go through.. by a stroke of coincidence (or perhaps, it's God's miraculous and divine way of showing his love), I found comfort to know that many do care, but they just don't know how to express it to comfort me.

I know deep within me whom these people are. They are very dear to my heart and I want you to know that I love all of you a lot even though sometimes it may not appear so. I may be harsh, cynical or critical most of the times, but deep within, I love you all. I may not be good in expressing that love to you. So, please forgive me. Because, it is really hard to smile when you have a nail up your ass.

I just want to say, I know you love me too and you are right behind me in every inch that I thread on this rocky road. Even though I may seem alone, I know you are out there watching over me in pain. You should know whom you are... and I love you lots..

Thank you.


The Phantom
(Editor, KPNN)